You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
