im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i already hear my dad disowning me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize