what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
