onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro