i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
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Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
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I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!