Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
