I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
