fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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