I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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