you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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