I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
