I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
