My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
