someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
