Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
