Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
