My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
