I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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