You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
