Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Randomize
