I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
