I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
That accounts for only three of the penises
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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