I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
