Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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