By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
