I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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