You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
