Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
