u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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