i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
