There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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