6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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