I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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