If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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