I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
