I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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