I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
