I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
