no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
