Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
