I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
