I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Alive.
So much puke
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
