I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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