bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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