if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
