I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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