Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Randomize
