I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
