got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
