Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
