shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
