Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She bit a glass in half.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
