can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
