normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
