Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
