theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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