he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
