Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
