is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
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she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
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