last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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