Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
