Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
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